One of the most common things seen amongst bullying targets is the gradual destruction of their self-confidence. The bullying erodes their self-esteem and their perception of themselves until nothing is left except what the bully wants them to see. Here are some common ways that thinking can be distorted and how bullying targets can take control of the cycle.

All or Nothing Thinking

• Definition: Looking at yourself in black and white categories.
• Example: “I always mess things up; I never do anything right.”
• Cure: When you have a thought like this, try to play devil’s advocate with yourself. Think of something that you are good at, even if it is just something small.

Mental Filter

• Definition: Dwelling on a single event and letting it discolor your entire view of life, much like a drop of ink can discolor a whole glass of water.
• Example: “It’s no surprise my children don’t listen to me; I can’t seem to get anything done properly.”
• Cure: Separate problems to help you get at the root of them.

Magnification or Minimization

• Definition: Blowing a negative event out of proportion or minimizing a positive event.
• Example: “I shouldn’t have gotten that raise; it was purely a coincidence.”
• Cure: Give yourself praise when you deserve it. We are often taught that it is wrong to give ourselves a pat on the back. Overcome this conditioning and reward yourself when you overcome a challenge or do something well.

Emotional Reasoning

• Definition: Reasoning that comes from how you feel.
• Example: You overlooked a minor detail in a recent task, and now you believe you’re completely unqualified. You think you don’t deserve to be employed at all!
• Cure: Give yourself a reality check. Example: “Sure, I made a small mistake in those figures, but I fixed it before anyone else saw it. The client seemed really impressed with the presentation, too.”

“Should” Statements

• Definition: Placing unrealistic expectations on yourself.
• Example: After finishing a task, you focus on everything you could have improved or done better.
• Cure: Hindsight is 20/20. Treat life as lessons learned rather than mistakes and regrets, and you will be a lot happier with yourself.

Chicken Little

• Definition: Always thinking that the sky is going to fall down.
• Example: You received positive feedback from your recent performance review, but you can’t shake the thought, “I have another evaluation next month. I’m certain it will reveal my flaws.”
• Cure: Take each day as it comes. Celebrate good news when you get it; this will build strength for when bad times arrive.

Personalization

• Definition: Assuming personal responsibility for everything.
• Example: “I feel so terrible that Jane did not get that promotion. I bet it is because I did not meet my sales numbers.”
• Cure: When you feel responsible for something, do a careful analysis of what your role was. Often you will find that you are giving yourself too much blame, and rarely enough credit.