When practicing assertiveness, it is a good idea to use speak about our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person. One way to do that is to stick with “I” messages expressed in a matter of fact, non-judgmental tone of voice.

“You” Message

Reworded as an “I” Message

You talk too loudly.

I have sensitive hearing.

You should send out an agenda.

I would like to know what we are going to discuss in the meeting tomorrow, so I can bring the necessary information with me.

You can use this same type of message when you are giving feedback about someone else’s behavior. Again, the feedback should be non-judgmental, but it should be specific.

There are four steps to this message.

Step 1: When you…

  • Non-judgmentally describe a specific behavior of the other person

Step 2: The effects are…

  • Describe as specifically as possible the effect or practical problems this behavior is causing in your life

Step 3: I feel…

  • Describe how you feel as a result
  • Don’t use the expression “You make me…”

Step 4: I prefer/I would like

  • Give the other person a chance to state what he or she thinks might be done
  • Describe what you want

Example:

  1. “When you leave your papers scattered all over the office…”
  2. “Both of us have a hard time finding them when you need them again.”
  3. “I feel like I am responsible for tracking them down, but sometimes I do not even know where to start.”
  4. “I would like you to put all those papers in one big pile in that basket on my desk. I could file them at the end of the day, and we would have them when we need them. Would that work for you?”

Remember: When you are stating feelings, state feelings directly, not evaluations or solutions.

With the tools to enhance your assertiveness, you might find that others respond positively and with respect to your new approach. However, be prepared for occasional encounters with colleagues who may react aggressively with verbal attacks, criticism, or demands. When faced with such responses, consider these strategies to manage the situation:

  • Communicate assertively but with empathy to demonstrate that you understand their message.
  • Reiterate your original assertion while addressing any valid points made by the other person.
  • Employ active listening and open-ended questions to better understand their perspective.
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