The term “assertiveness” is often used without a full understanding of its meaning. Assertiveness is not about having your way or manipulating others to achieve your goals while appearing considerate—those are characteristics of aggression. Instead, assertive individuals express their feelings, needs, and opinions directly while respecting others’ perspectives.
To grasp the concept of assertiveness, it can be helpful to compare it with passive and aggressive behaviours. Passive individuals may avoid conflict by choosing not to assert themselves. They might feel helpless, insecure, or resentful, and struggle with saying “no” or defending themselves.
Conversely, some people display arrogance or aggression to mask their own insecurities. They might resort to yelling, arguing, or pressuring others to get what they want, approaching life in a confrontational manner.
Assertive behaviour represents the ideal approach, where communication occurs on an equal and respectful level. In this dynamic, both parties work collaboratively to address and resolve issues without anyone being diminished or disadvantaged. Assertive individuals express their genuine feelings and assert their personal rights while honouring the rights of others. They maintain a positive outlook towards themselves and others, preferring to address problems with openness and factual discussion. Assertiveness is rooted in mutual respect for oneself and others.
Aggressive Behavior
Definition
Needs and wants are taken care of in a forceful and self-serving way.
Characteristics
- Self-serving
- Demanding
- Dogmatic
- Competitive
- Pushy
- Uses intimidation, power, and status
- Insensitive
- Strong need to control and dominate others
- Fears rejection
- Impatient
- Temperamental
Major Consequences
- May accomplish personal desire and goals.
- Tends to alienate people, create distrust and tension, and undermine the ability to establish lasting and healthy relationships.
Passive Behavior
Definition
- Not taking care of one’s needs and wants, because they are suppressed in order to help others achieve their needs and wants.
- Putting others’ needs ahead of one’s own needs
Characteristics
- Denies needs, subordinates them to others
- Often plays martyr role
- Creates conditions in which others will take the lead or make decisions
- Follower
- Tries to do what they think others expect of them
- Lacks self-confidence
- Easily intimidated and controlled by others
- Indecisive
- Moody
- Occasionally cashes in on stored-up anger and feelings
- Uncertain about who they are
Major Consequences
- Often results in sacrificing needs, and the loss of identity and ability to take care of self.
Manipulative or Passive-Aggressive Behavior
Definition
Needs and wants are taken care of in an indirect, cunning, deceptive, and crafty way with ulterior motives in mind.
Characteristics
- Game player (using pouting, looking hurt, silence, dropping hints, flirting, giving or withholding attention or caring, and other indirect methods to manipulate people)
- Uses double messages (say one thing and mean another)
- Hides real feelings and intentions
- Inward feelings and outward expressions often incongruent
- Rebellious
- Gets defensive and angry when caught manipulating
- Strong need for approval and attention
- Insecure but wears façade
- Distrusts others
Major Consequences
- May be successful in manipulating others in indirect ways.
- Undermines credibility and trust.
- Causes them to lose touch with real self and real feelings.
Assertive Behavior
Definition
Needs and wants are taken care of by knowing, accepting, and acting on them in constructive, straightforward, and authentic ways.
Characteristics
- Caring
- Genuine
- Sensitive to the needs and feelings of others
- Selfless
- Expresses needs and feelings in constructive and straightforward ways
- Persistent without being offensive
- Confronts from caring and reasonable position
- Good sense of timing and judgment about when to assert themselves
- Self-confident
- Calm in a crisis
Major Consequences
- Able to know and take care of needs in a constructive way without doing so at the expense of others.
