I Messages
We are most likely to retain the goodwill of the person we are standing up to if we stick with our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, and avoid direct or implied criticism of the other person. One way to do that is to stick with “I” messages, expressed in a matter-of-fact, non-judgmental tone of voice.
|
You Message |
I Message |
|
You talk too loudly. |
I have sensitive hearing. |
|
You should send out an agenda. |
I would like to know what we are going to discuss in the meeting tomorrow, so I can bring the right information with me. |
You can use this same type of message when you are giving feedback about someone else’s behavior. Again, the feedback should be non-judgmental, and it should be specific.
There is also a formula for assertiveness:
|
Step |
Goal |
Example |
|
Step 1 |
Non-judgmentally describe a specific behavior of the other person. |
When you… |
|
Step 2 |
Describe, as specifically as possible, the effects this behavior is having, or the practical problems it is causing in your life. |
The effects are… |
|
Step 3 |
Describe how you feel as a result, without using the expression, “you make me…” |
I feel… |
|
Step 4 |
You describe what you want, preferably after you give the other person a chance to state what they think might be done. |
I prefer/would like… |
Example: “When you leave your papers all over my office, it causes it to be cluttered and I feel disorganized and upset. I would like it if you could pick your papers up when you are done.”
When you are stating feelings, remember these tips:
- State feelings, not evaluations
- State feelings, not solutions
- State feelings directly
